Yesterday was a hard day for me. I baptized my oldest daughter. If you read my other blog entries you know why I had to do it. I want to be a part of their lives and so I have to stick it out.
She looked so happy and I could tell that it meant a lot to her but I just felt so sad inside like I was deceiving her. It was important to me to be able to be the one to baptize her so that we would have that special bond. My dad left the church when I was 7 and so he didn't baptize me like he did my older sister. Being a child I did not understand and since the church makes such a huge deal out of baptism I was so jealous of her. It wasn't fair that I was kept from that experience with my dad. Well I don't want my girls to experience the same thing and so I will keep at it until my youngest is baptized.
Perhaps someday when they are older and the truth comes out they will realize that I did what I had to do to keep us together because I love them. Maybe that will help them to find the truth as well. That is actually the topic I focused on in the confirmation was that she would "seek out truth wherever it may be". I want her to find the truth out there and not settle for the information that is being spoon fed to her in the church.
I was so happy to have the support of a good friend who was able to participate in the program who understands my position. In fact it was through that support that another family member was identified as being in the same circumstance as myself. I am very happy to have another person that I can talk with about this. I was so shocked when my support friend identified this other person to me, I said "seriously? But I've seen him at church!" She said, "well you go to church too." I had to laugh about that because I'm sure that the reaction will be similar on his side. I will be speaking to him soon. So cool.